(And why it’s not your fault)

Growing up, many of us are taught that “adults know best.” We are conditioned to believe that if there is a conflict between a parent and a child, the child is the one who needs to learn, grow, or apologize. But what happens when you realize the person who raised you lacks the emotional tools to meet you halfway?

​1. The Weaponization of “Tough Love”

Often, emotionally immature parents mistake cruelty for honesty. If you ask for empathy, they may call it a demand for “emotional cushioning.” If you ask for a softer tone, they label you “too sensitive.”  This is a defensive maneuver. By framing their harshness as “truth-telling” or “tough love,” they never have to examine the pain they cause. It effectively shifts the burden onto the child; suddenly, the problem isn’t the parent’s delivery, but the child’s “inability to handle the truth.” In these family dynamics, empathy is treated like a defect. As Lindsay Gibson notes in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, this is emotional phobia. The parent is overwhelmed by deep feelings, so they use harshness to shut down a conversation they aren’t equipped to have.

2. The Projection Cycle: “You’re Just Like Your Father/Mother”

When the “sensitivity” shield doesn’t silence the truth, these parents often reach for comparison as a form of emotional exile. Hearing “You’re just like your dad/mom” during a conflict tells the child they aren’t seen as an individual, but as a “host” for the parent’s unresolved resentment. It’s a way for a parent to say, “You don’t belong to me; you belong to the person I’m angry with.”  This is a classic externalization tactic. Instead of dealing with their own complex feelings about their partner or their past, they project them onto you. You aren’t seen as a daughter/son; you are seen as a mirror of their own frustrations. An emotionally immature or narcissistic person can’t sit with the discomfort of their own flaws, so they project them onto others instead.

​3. The Missing Apology

In a relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally stuck parent, you will almost never hear the words “I’m sorry.”  For these parents, saying sorry feels like losing a war, a total loss of power. They care more about being “right” than being connected to you. They would actually choose to be right and alone rather than be “wrong” and close to their own child. They find faults in others to avoid the discomfort of looking at their own.

If you have spent your whole life trying to prove you aren’t the “difficult” or “sensitive” person they say you are, you aren’t just tired—you are burned out.  This is a deep, bone-heavy exhaustion – it’s a biological and spiritual burnout. It’s the result of carrying a weight that was never yours to hold.

4. The Quiet Observer

If you grew up in this environment, you likely learned to keep quiet. You saw how they reacted to others—getting defensive, flipping the script, or playing the victim—and you realized that speaking your truth was like shouting into a void. You didn’t stay quiet because you agreed with them; you stayed quiet because you were surviving. You became the “peacekeeper” or the “quiet one” for a very simple reason: you had emotional needs that your parent just wasn’t equipped to handle. Your silence wasn’t a choice; it was your way of staying safe.

5. The Misunderstood Gift: From “Stuck” to Confident

Many people who are labeled “too sensitive” are actually Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). They have a special gift for deep perception and empathy. In a healthy home, this gift is a superpower; in an emotionally immature home, it is a survival tool used to read the parent’s moods. Without validation, that child grows up searching for their value in the eyes of others, often feeling “stuck” despite their intelligence. It’s like like they are waiting for permission to finally be themselves.

Healing starts when you realize that your sensitivity was never the problem.

The problem was that your parent didn’t have the tools to nurture your gift. You weren’t “too much” or “too sensitive”—you were just in an environment that wasn’t built for someone as deep as you.

6. The Shift: Their Perspective vs. Your Reality

Healing begins when you stop trying to “fix” the parent and start noticing the patterns. Their behaviour isn’t about you; it’s about the emotional growth they never completed. You weren’t asking for too much—you were simply asking a person with an empty cup to pour you a drink. They may have loved you in the only way they knew, but even their “best” could still be damaging. You don’t need their permission to own your story. You don’t need them to validate your memories for them to be real. “That was their perspective, but this was my reality.” Their inability to see the truth doesn’t make it any less true. You are allowed to trust yourself now.

​Why You Aren’t the Problem—And How to Heal

The “invisible weight” you carry isn’t a flaw in who you are; it’s the result of a child trying to bridge an emotional gap that was never theirs to fill. Healing starts when you stop trying to win the approval of someone who is fundamentally unable to give it. By recognizing that their defensiveness is a survival tactic for their own ego, you can finally set down the burden of being “wrong” for having feelings. You were never wrong; you were just aware.

A Resource for the Journey

If this resonates with you, I cannot recommend the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson enough.  It perfectly breaks down why these parents view an apology as a “loss of power” and why you likely grew up feeling like your “soul was screaming” for a connection that was never offered.  It’s a roadmap for moving from “the problem” to the “observer.”

Simply Salt & Soul Tips

Salt (The Science): Don’t try to “think” your way out of the brain fog that follows a confrontation. When someone denies your reality (gaslighting), your brain’s alarm system—the amygdala—spikes. This triggers a “freeze” response that clouds your memory and makes it hard to think straight. You aren’t “forgetful” or “crazy”; your nervous system is just trying to protect you.

To clear it, use Cold Water Therapy. Splashing ice-cold water on your face or holding an ice pack to your chest for 30 seconds triggers the “mammalian dive reflex.” This physically forces your heart rate to slow and your nervous system to reset, allowing your brain to realize you are safe, even if the conversation wasn’t.

Soul (The Wellness): Try a technique called “Radical Externalizing.”  When someone tells you that you are “too sensitive,” what they are really doing is throwing their own discomfort onto you. They can’t handle their feelings, so they make them yourproblem.

Next time this happens, ask yourself: “Am I holding a bag that doesn’t belong to me?”

Visualize yourself mentally handing that bag of blame back to them. You don’t have to open it, you don’t have to organize it, and you definitely don’t have to keep it. You cannot find clarity in someone else’s chaos. More importantly, your clarity and sense of worth fade when your soul is exhausted. Taking a moment to reset isn’t indulgent—it’s essential.