(And why it’s not your fault)

Growing up, we tend to believe our parents know best. When we had an argument or something went wrong, we were usually the ones expected to listen, apologize, or do better. But as you get older, you might start looking back on those moments differently. You begin to realize that your parents had their own struggles, and sometimes, they didn’t know how to handle things any better than you did.

When “Tough Love” Is Just Hard to Swallow

Some parents use the whole “I’m just being honest” excuse when what they’re saying is actually hurtful. If you tell them they could be a little kinder with their words, suddenly you’re too sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing. They call it tough love, and that becomes the end of the conversation. Nobody has to stop and think about how their words might have made you feel because now you’re the one being blamed for reacting.

I think this is where empathy gets misunderstood in some families. Being considerate of someone else’s feelings isn’t a weakness, and it doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say. In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay Gibson discusses something called “emotion-phobia,” which describes discomfort with emotions and emotional conversations. Some parents struggle to deal with feelings, whether their own or someone else’s, and may shut those conversations down instead of trying to understand what’s going on. Sometimes that comes across as harshness, even when they believe they’re just being honest.

The “You’re Just Like Your Father/Mother” Trap

If calling you “too sensitive” doesn’t work, sometimes the next thing you hear is a comparison. “You’re acting just like your mother” or “You’re being just like your father.” Those comments can really sting, especially when they’re thrown into the middle of an argument. Sometimes, making that comparison shifts the focus away from what’s actually happening. Instead of talking about the disagreement or their own part in it, the conversation becomes about who you’re supposedly turning into. You end up defending yourself rather than dealing with the original issue.

It can leave you feeling like they’re not really listening to you or seeing you for who you are. They’re reacting to their own history with someone else and putting that onto you. That doesn’t make the comment any less hurtful, but understanding what’s happening can help you see that their comparison doesn’t define who you are.

The Apology That Never Comes

This one can be really hard. When you have a parent who struggles to take responsibility for their actions, you might find yourself waiting years for an apology that never comes. Sometimes, being right seems to matter more to them than working through the hurt between you. Saying “I’m sorry” may feel like admitting defeat, so instead of talking things through, they dig in their heels.

If you’ve spent years trying to explain yourself, defend your reactions, or prove that you’re not the difficult one, it can be exhausting. You keep going over the same conversations, hoping that one day they’ll understand where you’re coming from. But you can’t make someone acknowledge their part in a situation if they’re not willing to. And you don’t have to keep taking responsibility for everything just to keep the peace.

The Quiet Kid

If you were the kid who stayed quiet, it probably wasn’t because you had nothing to say. Maybe speaking up never changed anything, or it only made things worse. So you learned to keep your thoughts to yourself. You became the easy kid, the one who didn’t argue or cause trouble, the one who tried to keep everyone happy. Over time, that might have just become your role in the family. Not necessarily because you were naturally quiet, but because you learned that staying quiet was the easier way to get through things.

Your Sensitivity Was Never the Problem

A lot of people who were called “too sensitive” growing up were simply more sensitive to what was happening around them. You might pick up on a change in someone’s tone, notice when the mood in the room shifts, or sense that something is wrong before anyone says a word.

In a supportive home, that sensitivity can be a strength. But in a stressful home, it can leave you constantly watching everyone’s reactions, trying to figure out what might happen next. You learn to read the room because you never quite know what you’re walking into.

If no one understood you growing up, you might carry those habits into adulthood. You second-guess yourself, look to other people for reassurance, or struggle to trust your own decisions, even when you’re perfectly capable of making them. Part of you may still be waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to trust yourself and be who you are. But your sensitivity was never the problem. The hard part was just being in an environment that didn’t know how to handle it.

Healing starts when you realize that your sensitivity was never the problem.

Letting Go of Trying to Fix It

Things can start to change when you stop trying so hard to fix the relationship and start noticing the patterns instead. Their behaviour often has more to do with their own unresolved issues than with you. As hard as it is to accept, you can’t get something from someone they’re not able to give.

Maybe they loved you the best way they knew how. But that doesn’t mean it always felt good to be around them, or that you got what you needed as a child. Both things can be true. You also don’t need them to agree with your version of what happened for your experience to matter. You know what you lived through, and you’re allowed to trust your own feelings and memories, even if they see things differently.

The Five Minute Flip (Conversational Hijacking)

Ever notice how you can start telling your parent about your day, and somehow, two minutes later, the conversation is all about them?

You’re sharing something that happened to you, and before you know it, you’re the one listening to their problems or making them feel better. Maybe they hit you with the classic, “You think you have it bad? When I was your age…” Suddenly, what you were trying to share is forgotten, and you’re back to listening to their story. After a while, it gets tiring. You start to realize there isn’t much room for your feelings or experiences in these conversations. If you often walk away feeling unheard or invisible, it makes sense. You went into the conversation hoping to be heard, too.

You Were Never the Problem

The weight you’ve been carrying doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to get approval, keep the peace, or make someone happy, even when it was never your job to do that in the first place. Things can begin to change when you stop looking to them for the approval you’ve always wanted and start recognizing their reactions for what they are. Sometimes, the way they respond has more to do with their own struggles than anything you’ve done.

You don’t have to keep questioning yourself just because you have feelings or see things differently from them. Your feelings are real, and you’re allowed to have your own experience of what happened. You don’t have to keep taking responsibility for everything that went wrong.

A Book Worth Reading

If any of this feels a little too familiar, I really recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It helped put words to things that can be hard to explain, like why some parents struggle to apologize, why you can still feel a disconnect with them as an adult, and why you might spend years wondering if you were the problem.

Sometimes, seeing these patterns explained in a book can help you make sense of your own experiences. You might recognize feelings you’ve carried for years but never quite knew how to describe, and you may start to understand that a lot of what happened wasn’t yours to fix.

Simply Salt & Soul

The Salt (The Science): There’s a reason you might struggle to think clearly after a conversation where you feel dismissed or misunderstood. When you’re stressed, your body can go into a threat response. You might feel tense, your heart might race, and it can become harder to find the right words or think through what you want to say. Sometimes, you only come up with the perfect response hours later, when you’re finally alone and have had time to process what happened. You weren’t being weak or overreacting. You were upset, stressed, and probably trying to figure out what to say while dealing with everything you were feeling. It’s no wonder the words didn’t come out the way you wanted them to. Sometimes, you don’t even realize how much a conversation has affected you until it’s over.

The Soul (The Wellness): One thing you can try when someone calls you “too sensitive” is to pause and ask yourself, Am I carrying something that isn’t actually mine to carry?

Sometimes, we take on other people’s frustration, guilt, or disappointment without even realizing it. We start questioning ourselves, wondering what we did wrong, or feeling responsible for making everything okay. When that happens, I like the idea of picturing those feelings as a bag someone has handed you. You can acknowledge that the bag is there without automatically taking responsibility for what’s inside. You don’t have to sort through their feelings, fix their problems, or convince them to see things your way.

You can care about someone and still recognize where their feelings end and yours begin. That might take practice, especially if you’ve spent years trying to keep everyone happy, but even pausing to ask yourself that one question can help you step back and look at the situation differently.