(And why it’s not your fault)
Growing up, most of us are taught that adults know best. So when there’s a conflict between a parent and a child, it’s usually the child who ends up having to learn, grow, or apologize. But what happens when you get older and start to see that the person who raised you didn’t always have the emotional tools to meet you halfway?
When “Tough Love” Is Just Hard to Swallow
Sometimes parents call being harsh “just being honest.” And when a child asks for a bit more understanding or a softer tone, it can get turned back on them, like they’re “too sensitive.” But a lot of the time, that’s just a way to avoid looking at how their words are actually landing. Calling it “tough love” can make it easier to not take responsibility and shift things so it feels like the problem isn’t what was said… but how you reacted to it.
In some families, empathy gets treated like a weakness… when it’s actually a strength.
In the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay Gibson talks about something called “emotion-phobia.” It basically means the parent feels so uncomfortable with deeper emotions that they shut things down, sometimes by being harsh, because they don’t really know how to handle those kinds of conversations.
The “You’re Just Like Your Father/Mother” Trap
When calling you “too sensitive” doesn’t land, it often shifts into something else, comparison. Hearing things like “you’re just like your mother” or “you’re acting like your father” in the middle of an argument can feel heavy and hurtful.
A lot of the time, it’s a way to avoid looking at their own part in things. Instead of sitting with their own feelings, or whatever’s coming up for them, it gets pushed onto you. In those moments, it can feel like they’re not really seeing you for who you are. It’s more like you’re being compared to someone else they resent, and it just doesn’t feel good. It’s often not about you at all, it’s just easier for them to put it somewhere than to sit with it themselves.
The Apology That Never Comes
This one is hard. In a relationship with an emotionally immature parent, you will almost never hear the words “I’m sorry.” With an emotionally immature parent, being right matters more than being connected. Saying sorry feels like losing, so it just doesn’t happen. They’d rather be right and distant than wrong and close to their own child. And if you’ve spent years trying to prove you’re not the difficult one, that’s exhausting. Because you end up carrying something that was never yours to hold in the first place.
The Quiet Kid
If you grew up staying quiet it doesn’t mean you had nothing to say. It usually means speaking up didn’t change anything, or it just made things harder. So you learned to keep things in. You became the peacekeeper, the easy one, the one who didn’t cause trouble. Not because that’s who you were, but because it felt safer. That silence wasn’t really a choice. It was just how you got through it.
Your Sensitivity Was Never the Problem
Many people who are labeled “too sensitive” are often Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). They tend to be very aware of what’s going on around them. They pick up on mood, tone, and subtle shifts in energy, and they feel things deeply. In the right environment, that can be a real strength. But in a more difficult environment, it can turn into constantly reading the room and bracing for what might come next.
When that isn’t understood growing up, it can follow you into adulthood. You start second-guessing yourself, looking for reassurance, and feeling stuck even when you know you’re capable. Like you’re still waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to just be who you are. Your sensitivity was never the problem. The hard part was being in an environment that didn’t know how to hold it.
Healing starts when you realize that your sensitivity was never the problem.
Letting Go of Trying to Fix It
Things start to shift when you stop trying to change them and start just noticing the patterns instead. Their behaviour usually isn’t about you, it’s about what they haven’t worked through themselves. And as hard as it is, you can’t get something from someone who doesn’t have it to give.
They may have loved you the best way they knew how. But that doesn’t mean it always felt good or met what you needed. You don’t need them to agree with your experience for it to be real. You’re allowed to trust yourself now.
The Five Minute Flip (Conversational Hijacking)
Have you ever noticed how a conversation about your day somehow becomes about them within minutes? You start sharing something and before you know it you’re the one listening , or even comforting them. “You think you have it bad? When I was your age…” And just like that the focus isn’t on you anymore.
Over time that gets exhausting. There’s no real space for you. And it makes sense if you’ve started walking away from those conversations feeling invisible.
You Were Never the Problem
It’s important to remember that the weight you’ve been carrying isn’t a flaw in you. It often comes from trying to fill a gap that was never yours to fill. Things start to shift when you stop trying to earn approval from someone who isn’t able to give it, and when you start seeing their reactions for what they are, often their own way of protecting themselves.
You don’t have to keep feeling wrong just for having feelings. You were never the problem. You were just the one paying attention.
A Book Worth Reading
If any of this is hitting home I really can’t recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson enough. It helped me understand so much, why an apology can feel impossible for some people, why that sense of missing connection stays with you, and why none of it was your fault. It puts words to things you might not have been able to explain before. Worth a read.
Simply Salt & Soul
The Salt (The Science): There’s actually a reason it’s so hard to think straight after a conversation like that. When someone dismisses your experience or questions your feelings your brain registers it as a threat — and your nervous system responds accordingly. Cortisol goes up, your thinking brain takes a back seat, and suddenly you can’t find the words you needed five minutes ago. That’s not weakness. That’s just your body doing what it’s designed to do under stress. Understanding that can take some of the shame out of it. You weren’t falling apart, you were just overwhelmed. There’s a difference.
The Soul (The Wellness): Try a technique called radical externalizing. When someone tells you you’re being too sensitive try pausing and asking yourself, am I holding a bag that doesn’t belong to me? Because most of the time that’s exactly what’s happening. Their discomfort got handed to you and you’ve just been carrying it around without realizing it isn’t yours.
That one question can help you create so much space. I can imagine just setting that “bag” down right there on the floor. I don’t need to open it, fix what’s inside, or carry it home with me. It is so much easier to feel grounded when you aren’t lugging around everyone else’s frustrations. Giving yourself permission to drop the bag allows you to protect your peace.